Dance Is Foreplay

For those of you that sit in on a Sunday evening watching ITV´s Dancing on Ice, it may be worth taking note of the poorly selected "Celebrities" who are unavoidably dull in their skating and after dance chat. We don´t really want to be watching people who have been on a soap for the last ten years on our screens any more than we already have done, which is why the following list of possible ice-skaters should be taken seriously enough for next year.

The following list should not only boost the tv channels rankings but will provide an unprecedented amount of entertainment, laughter and injuries one may only normally see at an ice hockey match between the USA and Russia.

1) Simon Cowell.

Everyone would just love to see this man fall on his backside and have the judges telling him how rubbish he is for a change. Note: Bert and his Bird to be brought in on a sabatical as judges.

2) Rick Waller.

A good voice but can he dance? No. But this would be one of the most hilarious few weeks of our lives should he become involved. Odds on being out first week extremely poor and all round favourite to collapse soon after song begins.

3) Boris Johnson.

Yes, Londons Mayor, who seems to be out and about more than the Prime Minister. His poorly spoken words are bound to get attention more off the ice than on it and he does have the hairstyle to float around the rink.

4) Stephen Hawking.

Not to be confused with "Wheels On Ice" This genius could be the start of something big on ice, whilst one could not imagine much lifting, some of the dance moves are likely to keep even the professionals guessing, especially as no electrical equipment can be turned on once on the ice.

5) Jo Brand.

Her intelligence and unique sense of humour will keep the vast majority of viewers entertained long enough without the need to see her gliding around with such elegancy.

6) Phil Schofield.

His predictable and shockingly written puns in the post dance interviews can now be used against him.

7) Emma Bunton.

Why she is a judge is anyones guess but she should now be placed on the other side. She knows as much about ice skating as contestant number 6 does.

8) Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Not least because there would be no chance of her taking part, but one can imagine the sight with her long sequent dresses getting caught up in the blades of the skating shoes and she goes hurtling towards the crowd head over heals and lands on a very unsuspecting John Prescott who has come to watch Boris Johnson.

With thos eight already in I am sure there could be a few that we could also add on to make the event more entertaining than Phil Schofield makes out it is. As things stand with the current version, the